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Soundtrack to My Soul

I was going to title this post “I Have This Weird Thing I Do”, but then I realized that most of my posts could be titled that… so we’ll save it for another day, mmkay?

It is a widely accepted opinion that I have terrible taste in music. I used to make myself mix CDs to take in the car (before the world of iPods, you young children). The music would jump around from Country to R&B to 90’s hits. There would even be some Rocky Horror in the mix. This was totally normal to me, this is how my brain works. I want all my favorite songs, I don’t want to be limited to one genre.

I dug out my old CD case so that you can get an idea:
20170224_191159That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. That’s Matchbox Twenty, Britney Spears, TLC, HelloGoodbye, ZZTop, an OC soundtrack, … and Lil’ Flip. That’s right, I said it. This is the perfect glimpse into my mind. (I type as I’m watching Bob’s Burgers reruns)

I am forever flipping radio stations after songs, I never stay in one genre or on one station. It would be insane to me to leave it on the same station. Why would I listen to a commercial or the same song over and over again when there are a billion other songs out in the world that I could be jamming to? (I swear there’s a point to this)

When I got married 6 years ago, I decided to go off of my depression and anxiety medications. Upon doing that, I was forced to become very aware of my habits so that I could figure out the signs of me slipping into my deep depression phases. By that, I mean that there were points in my years that my depression would get so bad that I became a different person. And since I was choosing to be off my meds, I had to figure out how to crawl out of that deep hole all by myself. My solution to this would be to go see a therapist when this would happen, so that I could stay off my meds, but I could stay safe on the non-suicidal side of the line. (which I don’t condone, if you can be wildly helped by meds, BE ON THEM. I am now, don’t worry). But anyways, point being that aside from the usual tells (i.e. cancelling plans, staying inside, can’t get out of bed… etc…) there was one thing that I would do that would make me realize things were getting really bad.

I would listen to Matchbox Twenty on repeat. No channel hopping, just Matchbox. Only Matchbox. I’d let the CD play over and over and over… I’d cry while I’d sing. Not hysterical tears, just silent single ones. After a few days of it my mind would suddenly remember that this is my sign and I needed help. Things were getting bad. Something about Rob Thomas and his beautiful voice would trigger my soul. I began to realize that I would crave the music. I’d crave their songs, I’d sing them in my head until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I’d dig my CD out and push play for days. Until I wasn’t crying anymore. Until I could pull myself out. And just like that, I wake up changing stations once more.

Right after we moved into our house, I could not find my CD case anywhere. I was slipping and I couldn’t find my comfort. My soul was aching and I needed my songs. I remember sitting in the room I thought the CD case was in, just crying. (I realize this is probably where you’re like…why didn’t you just buy the CD again… or like… download it? Well, I don’t know how to answer that. I really don’t. I think the physical CD itself has something to do with it too. That CD has been through a lot with me. First it was the Yourself, or Someone Like You album. When I wore that one out I cried, it was scratched. But then they came out with Exile on Mainstream that had all their hits on it and more and I was in heaven.) That was enough to trigger me to get help. That’s when I started seeing my therapist.

But a few months ago it started again, while I was seeing my therapist. Things were getting bad for me. So bad. I couldn’t crawl out of my hole and my itching for Matchbox was bad. I tore apart my house looking for the CDs and I finally found them. Back to it on repeat. That’s when I decided to go back on the meds.

So, I know that’s a little weird maybe. Or is it? Maybe you don’t struggle with depression, but do you have a soundtrack to your soul? Is there a band or CD that just fills every inch of you? Tell me in the comments.

Tab ❤

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