Oh, y’all. This week has been a MESS. I have fallen completely apart and have been put back together a few times. We are never completely put back together, right? We all have a little breakage a few times there, but that’s okay. Sometimes there’s beauty in the cracks. I must be freakin’ gorgeous by now, amiright?
I’m not one to ask for help, not really. Not for the big stuff. I want complete control of what’s going on. I want to know what’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, who’s involved. I don’t want to leave it up to anyone else. I could go on for forever about why I’m like that, a big point being that a lot of family and friends have let me down for the past 30 years. I learned that I couldn’t count on anyone to help me the way I need it. When I tried to kill myself at age 17, I checked myself into a hospital. My mom was with me, sure, I was a minor. But I checked my own self in. ME. And I felt powerful.
So when my world would be falling apart, I wouldn’t ask for help. I could handle it. I could do this life without my medication, I took control. I, again, felt powerful. When my world would be falling apart, I would seek a therapist. But I never kept going, I’d stop after a few appointments because they just weren’t “helping me right” .
I have a thousand people around me that say, “Why didn’t you call me? I would have been there for you! I’m always here for you!” And I say, “I know, I will.” That’s a lie. I won’t call you, I never do. I can do this all by myself. You won’t “help me right”.
Oh, y’all. I wasn’t “helping me right”.
This weekend, after sitting in that bedroom on Thursday, I had two days worth of a meltdown. I was a mess. Oh such a mess. And for the first time, I asked for help. I reached out to two wonderful friends who pulled me out of my darkness. And then I prayed. I prayed that God would speak to me, I told him I didn’t think He was listening. I was alone and He didn’t care.
But then I got slapped in the face. I’m not alone. I never was alone. I was isolating myself, I was making myself in charge when I never really was. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we try to take control of something we can’t even begin to control? And I got my answer, my answer is wait.My answer is have faith. My answer is trust. Trust that no matter what, His Plan is always greater. He’s proved that time and time again.
Just wait. Wait and see what He has planned. And trust the people He’s put around me. In the past year I’ve been flooded with women who have filled me spiritually and related to me like never before. Instead of setting them up to fail, why not give them a chance? Why not tell them how to help me, instead of just expecting them to know?
ASK. FOR. HELP.
Because believe it or not, I don’t know everything. I KNOW. I WAS SHOCKED TOO.
Love y’all. Thanks for supporting me through this blog. ❤ Share with those who might need to hear it. Or don’t. That’s fine too. Live loved today because you are worthy of so much.