I already wrote this post once and then accidentally deleted it. Then I spiraled into a fit of rage and things got weird.
Anywaaaaays… I’m back.
I have quite a message to share tonight, folks. Gather a notebook and a pen and get ready to take some notes. Make sure you’re prepared for bullet points, diagrams, equations… It’s about to get real serious up in here. (huuurrr?) Here we go:
I AM SELFISH.
I know. I’m shocked too. And get this, you’re selfish too. And kind of a jerk. Or so I’m told, you can take that up with someone else. #notmyproblem
“Warren, where is all this hostility from?” WELL, first off, my name isn’t ******* WARREN. And second, I went to a bible study tonight (she says after she just insulted her entire following). Tonight’s topic was the story of the falling of the walls of Jericho. But the main thing that stuck out to me is what was said, “If you’re focusing on your circumstance instead of God, then you’re going to worry and become weak.”
I have been doing just that, focusing on me and my own circumstances. I’ve been complaining and pouting about having to go to recovery. I’ve been joking around in therapy sessions instead of paying attention and basically just dragging my feet through this whole thing BECAUSE MY LIFE IS JUST TOO DAMN HARD. See? Selfish. We all do that, not just me. It’s natural that we would all focus on ourselves first before branching out. (See? Told you that you were a jerk.)
I come from a Christian house, a Christian private school upbringing, I go to church (almost) every Sunday, and I pray every night before bed. But guess what? That little checklist means nothing if I’m not even practicing what I preach. (Also, you don’t have to do all those things to serve a mighty God.) How can I be so quick to tell my testimony of how God has changed my life in a thousand ways, but then not trust Him to handle this? Why have I let this “problem” become harder than all the others? Which, if we look at all I’ve been through… this is small potatoes. (Is that the saying? I’ve literally never said that before)
I’ve stopped reading my Bible, I’ve stopped paying attention to studies, I’ve even stopped really praying at night (just dragging my feet through it). I’ve been selfish and I’ve been a jerk. And I’m done. I’m done thinking about only myself. I’m done fighting off the help He’s literally thrusting at me. I’m done.
When I step back and look at all that’s happened these past 3 weeks of therapy, I can see what amazing people He has been filling my life with. He’s given me friends, new and old, who have been giving up chunks of their days to watch my kiddo so I can get my help. And when I feel like a horrible burden on them, I’m greeted with flowers when I pick my kid up.
By a friend who agreed to watch him at 10pm the night before I needed her because of a babysitting emergency. I’m blessed.
When I feel suicidal and tell my therapy group, the following session is all about self esteem and our exercise involves us telling one another things we love about each other.
And the suicidal fog starts to lift a little more each day and it’s followed by a bible study I didn’t even really want to go to because I was tired, where I hear a talk on how God has amazing things planned if I would just “shut up and march until I have enough faith to shout”. Instead of fighting. Instead of complaining.
Since I was 17, I have felt compelled to tell my story. I’ve felt like I just had to own it and share it. And so here I am, I’m telling you it all. Everything.
I’m a mess. And it’s totally okay… because you are too.