Posted in messy mama

What a week without my child has taught me…

Well first off, it taught me I quite enjoy not answering 68 questions before noon. That’s for sure.

Kiddo went to spend the week with his grandparents and I was supposed to spend that week relaxing and soaking in every dang second of him not being home. I was supposed to get to do things I don’t normally get to do, like go to a late movie, date my husband, get a sudden urge to go to Walmart at midnight… I was pumped and ready to party. Obviously. 

Instead I spent 90% of that week wallowing in deep depression. The other 10% was certainly spent with my husband and wonderful, but for the most part I just sat and cried or had anxiety attacks. (the upcoming anniversary of my mom’s death isn’t helping anyone here.)

What it taught me is that I need that kid more than I ever realized I did. Without him, I won’t get up in the morning. Without him, I spend the day lost and in some kind of daze. Without him, I’m a version of myself I haven’t seen in a long time.

A common myth is that with depression medicine, you don’t have spells like that anymore. That’s most certainly not true. I definitely still have spells like this, the meds are just keeping me from the very dark side of it. A place I’ve been before. That’s what the meds are doing. They aren’t stopping my problems or my life, they’re giving me a life.

Kiddo is the reason I get up in the morning, he’s the reason I’m a person. I found that without him, I would wait until about 10 minutes before I had to leave to be somewhere to wake up. I wouldn’t shower, I would barely get dressed, and I would spend the following 10 minutes trying to talk myself out of whatever it is I had to do.

You see, four year olds don’t give you that option. A four year old will get up before the crack of dawn whether you want him to or not. A four year old will make sure you’re up as well AND he will make sure that you won’t be getting away with cancelling whatever it is that you had planned for the day. He’ll make sure you’re so exhausted in the 30 minutes since starting the day, that you take a shower just to get 30 seconds of peace while he’s singing the Rescue Bots theme song. He doesn’t give me the option to cry all day, not that I don’t want to, but my desire to not have to explain why I’m crying leaves me able to hold it in til bedtime or save it for a trip to the bathroom to breakdown during the day.

What it also taught me is that I miss him when he’s not here. Kiddo is an only child, so it’s very hard for us to miss each other because we spend EVERY WAKING SECOND with just each other and frankly we are both sick of each other’s voices. So when he was given the opportunity to spend a week with someone other than me, he was trying to pack his bag faster than I was! But I actually missed him more than I thought I would. I realize that makes me sound like a terrible mother, but it’s the truth. 

That doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly not annoyed with his 98 questions that are all the same, just worded differently. Everything’s still the same… I just have a newfound respect for that kid and I’m so much more thankful for him. Because without him, I’m a mess. With him I’m a mess too, but you know… just like… more showered.

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