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Reasons I’m Not a Professional Comedian.

Some days I think to myself, “Why did I never pursue comedy? I could have definitely been a comedian.” And then there are days where I look back at conversations I’m currently having:


Comedy gold, amiright?

Both my therapist and the dietitian at the Eating Recovery Center constantly tell me I should do stand-up. And to that I say these excuses:

  1. I’m just really lazy.
  2. I’m only funny in conversation, not if I have to sit and think of ways to be funny.
  3. I pee my pants fairly easily if scared.
  4. Seriously… I do.
  5. I would be down to be the funny sidekick in a move/tv show. But standing in front of drunk people at a club? Well wait… I do get quite the response when I rap Ice, Ice, Baby at a karaoke bar… hang on…

Listen, I used to dream of being on MadTV/SNL. But I just don’t have that drive those people do. Read Amy Poehler’s book, Yes Please. You’ll read how hard she worked for that and you’ll be like… Tabitha’s right, she’d never make the effort. It would require her to put on pants. 

And to that I say:


So instead you guys are stuck reading my HILARIOUS blog posts. Sucks for you!


Tab back in for a minute. In answer to the question I know you’re asking: Yes, yes you read that right. My friend and I are going to see a Hanson concert next month. No, we don’t know why. We just are. WE. JUST. ARE.

Okay. Now Tab OUT.


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