Y’all, I have been so anxious for today to come! It’s World Suicide Prevention Day, did you know that? Yeah, I didn’t either until this year. Gah, another thing I wish was more public when I was younger. Ah well, I’m just focusing on making it my mission from here on out to really be open with my story and make sure more people know they aren’t alone. YOU AREN’T ALONE.
So if you’re a regular reader, you know my suicide story. If you’re not, well then you should be and here’s a link. ❤
If I would have been successful at my attempts, I would have missed out on so much. So much good, so much funny, so much sad, so much hurt, so much pain, so much love, so much life. But because I failed, I know that I was put on this earth for so much more.
You see, I struggled (and 100% honestly STILL struggle) with feeling like there was something more for my life. Back then, I thought there was going to be nothing for me other than the heartache of life I was living every single day. I just figured this is my lot in life and I was always going to be miserable, so why stay? Why stick around and live? What’s the point? I know what it’s like to feel like there’s nothing more. I know what it’s like to feel like giving up and just letting everything go. I know.
My current struggles include me feeling like I’m failing at everything. I feel like I’m failing at being a wife, being a mom, being a friend. I feel like everyone would be better without me and that if I would just go, I would stop burdening everyone around me. When I went into ED Recovery, I needed a lot of help from friends and siblings to watch Kiddo while I got help 3 days a week and couldn’t really afford childcare. Then I would spend those 3 days feeling like the people helping me actually hated me for asking them to do this. I felt like such a burden and I just hated that feeling so much. I cried about it a lot. I feel like I’m a burden to be married to. I feel like my poor husband doesn’t deserve to have to deal with a mentally unstable wife. I feel like Kiddo doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this crazy mommy he has… I just feel like I’m too much for everyone.
But deep down I know that there’s more. There’s more out there and if I don’t stick around to see… I’m going to miss so much. I’ll miss anniversaries, which are on New Year’s Eve. I’ll miss sitting with my husband under fireworks remembering that we found each other in the midst of what felt like my world was ending. I’ll miss seeing Kiddo be who he’s going to become (which apparently is going to be a trash man, I’m told). I’ll miss embarrassing him as he brings dates home, I’ll miss getting to be a grandma (hopefully), I’ll miss the good days and the bad days, I’ll miss the sick days and the healthy days… I’ll miss it all. I don’t want to miss those days. I know that. It doesn’t always feel like that, but I know it’s true. My depressed mind is a liar and so is yours.
Stay and find out what you’re here for. Find out what you were made to do. Just please stay.
[insert weird picture of my arm]
National Suicide Hotline