I have to talk to you about some stuff, is that alright? You might have noticed that my posts took a huge dive this summer. I’d like to say that it was because we’ve been super busy (which we are, but not like… so busy that I can’t post something, ya know?). Okay well, hold on. Let me tell you what led me to this post:
I have a wonderful friend named Liberty (name not changed to protect the innocent) who I met in a bible study three weeks after my mom died. That bible study was pretty much my favorite one ever. Not the actual study itself, although that one wasn’t bad, it was just the perfectly picked group of women. Women I came to love individually in so many ways out side of the study. Two of which I now see multiple times a week, they’ve become my daily life. So Liberty reached out today and said she needed a sanity check and can one of us come over and keep her company and have our kids distract hers? And maybe let her talk to an adult for a minute? To that I said, “What free food is in it for me?” Because I mean, isn’t that what you’re supposed to ask? Lib always takes care of us, she’s like the best little hostess. She might have a gaggle of screaming kiddos requesting every spare inch of everything she has to give not only physically, but mentally, still she finds the energy and love to make me coffee (AND DINNER) and give me treats and give me a pep talk when I didn’t even know I had come over for one.
So, my darling friend and I got on a casual topic of health (not unusual. I’ve been very open about my eating disorder and struggles). And I just started crying. I had been holding so much in, so much heartache. I want to be done with this, I told her. I thought I was done. I had the surgery so that I could be forever done with this conversation. But then my mom died and I gained 70 pounds. And here I am two years later with the same 70 pounds and I’m a failure. And I feel like I can’t even blog anymore because I’m a hypocrite. How can I talk about getting help for your mental struggles and all that, when I can’t even help myself? How much longer can I talk about strength when I feel like I have no more to give? I’m not worthy of it. Who wants to read someone saying, “Hey guys! You are worthy. You are powerful. You are strong.” When a lot of times I have a hard time even believing it in myself if I still haven’t overcome a 30 year battle? When I went to Eating Recovery and still haven’t survived this?
To that she said, “Why are you letting the enemy tell you that people don’t need to hear that you’re struggling? Why are you letting the enemy hurt you? You are strong enough to speak up and fight. So fight.” (Or something along those lines that were much more elegant because she was pretty amazing at what she said tonight.)
So I’m telling you that I’ve let the enemy win in many ways this summer. The enemy has slowly started to take over in a lot of ways that I didn’t notice. Normally the enemy crashes in and takes me out in big ways, uses my mental health against me. This time I’m finally winning that battle. This time I’ve fought so hard. I owe a lot of that obviously to God, and my amazing friends and family, but I also a lot to this blog. I fully laid it all out and said, HEY. And you all said, ME TOO! And so we put our hearts out together and we grew stronger. (At least I feel like we did.) And so, the enemy is going to have a harder time taking me down that way. So, instead, he has to work from another angle. I’ve noticed I’ve stopped praying at night, I’ve stopped journaling, I’ve stopped exercising, I’ve stopped doing my bible studies… heck, I stopped opening my Bible outside of church, and mostly he’s started making me see myself through a different lens again. Even though I had gained the 70 pounds over a year ago, I was still able to see “Skinny Tabitha” in the mirror. I still was able to be like, “It’s fine because I’m still not 400 pounds like I once was.” And then a few months I started seeing Her again. (Pic with Liberty. It’s fine, she’ll be famous one day anyway, I’m sure. I need to put picture proof here so she won’t forget us little people.)
I saw this picture posted on the church we attend together’s Instagram and instead of being like, “OMG LOOK HOW HAPPY AND CUTE WE ARE!” I cried. I said, “It’s Her.” And I felt defeated. I felt like I had truly finally, officially failed at this.
So, where do I go from here? How do you climb out of self pity? How do you defeat the enemy? How do you fight?
Well, I guess I have to start by doing all the stuff I stopped doing, right? Just start at the beginning again? Pick up a Bible. Pray. Journal. Move my butt. Right? That’s all you can do? Start again. And if it doesn’t work, you keep starting again. You keep digging your way out. You keep going. KEEP. GOING. Do not let the enemy win. I don’t know everything, but I do know that.