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Posted in Ramblings

Where Do I Hire a 1900s-style Sleuth?

Mmkay. Let’s discuss how I’m slowly going insane. Which, I mean I’m naturally already halfway there, so I really have no time to waste around here.

Today is Saturday. On Thursday I ate some pretzels with Nutella. When I had enough, I put the Nutella and the pretzels back in the pantry. Friday comes and I want the same little snack.

I can find the Nutella. I cannot find the pretzels. I move everything in the pantry around while muttering some very hostile language that probably wasn’t necessary during a hunt for a bag of pretzels, but what’s done is done. I CANNOT FIND THE PRETZELS. I decide to walk away and consider Googling how to hire Scooby-Doo to come figure out how a bag of pretzels vanishes into thin air.

Today I had a long day. I had a two birthday parties to take my child to and I am exhausted. I’ve also done my work for the night, done the dishes, and a load of laundry. I’M TIRED AND I WANT NUTELLA. So, in a fit of rage I take everything out of the pantry in hopes of finding a bag of pretzels that I’m positive are in there.

I CANNOT FIND THE &*&^#*%$( PRETZELS.

So, I replace everything back into the pantry with a wild amount of hostility and begin to search for another snack. Y’all…. Y’ALL. The damn pretzels are… right… right in front of my face. I don’t… I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

20171021_224507The chip-clip says, “Chips are my favorite kind of crunches… if you were wondering.)

Whatever, I grab my pretzels and go to grab the Nutella….

And yep, you guessed it. I can’t find it. I then, at 10:30pm, shout WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, GOD? And He replied, “Do you think I have nothing better to do?”

But I found it, don’t worry. And now I’m happy.

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But also like… a little scared for my future.

MMKAY SUPER STOKED YOU READ THAT POINTLESS STORY! KBYYYYEEE

xo
TAB

Posted in Ramblings

The Most Important Knowledge In The World – Part 1 [+ followers’ knowledge too!]

Listen up, people. I’m the smartest, most helpful person you will ever meet. (and most humble) And I am here to share with you some of the knowledge that I’ve come to know in all my 31 years, so that hopefully you can save yourself some time, sound good? GREAT. Let’s begin:

  • Usually when you don’t like someone for “no reason”, it’s usually because you’re jealous about something they have. 
    • I am extremely guilty of this. I tend to not like people who are funnier than me (as if), who are richer than me (everyone), or who have a life outside of Netflix (huh?). When asked why I don’t like them, the only reason I can come up with is “They give off a bad vibe”. Yeah, no. It’s me, alllllll me. I’m a jerk.
  • You can’t make anyone be anything they’re not.
    • You can’t make a parent be the parent you want them to be. You can’t make your kid be the person you want them to be. You can’t make a friend be the kind of friend you want them to be. You can’t make someone care about something they don’t. You can’t make your spouse be the perfect spouse. People are who they are and you can’t change them. You shouldn’t be crying over someone who isn’t who you want them to be. You shouldn’t be putting all your energy into trying to change someone. It’s okay to be selfish in those situations. It’s okay to focus on making yourself the person YOU want to be.
  • Who you were in high school has nothing to do with real life. 
    • You were prom queen? Great. You had a thousand friends? Aren’t you lucky? You made straight A’s in all of your classes and made it into Harvard and you are just the most amazing person in the world? Awesome. But listen… the world doesn’t care. All the world cares about is if you’re a generally decent person or not. Can you take a joke? Are you a friendly person today? Do you shower regularly? Fantastic. Because that’s all that really matters in life. No one cares if you were prom queen. Seriously, no one but you. I mean, great for you, but like… now what? Why waste all that time stressing about popularity? More than half those people won’t be around after you graduate anyway… which leads me to my next point…
  • Most of the people you knew in high school you’ll never speak to outside of social media again.
    • Like, really. There are people who were my “best friend forever” that I couldn’t even tell you what city they live in today. Hell, they could live down the street and I wouldn’t know. Don’t stress about collecting a million friends, all that matters is who your real friends are. Who is left standing when real life hits? (more on this later)
  • Parenting is hard. Like…really hard.
    • Kids are all different people. None of them are 100% the same. And what works for one kid might not work for another. There’s literally no way to know until you get there. (SOUNDS FUN, RIGHT?)
    • Everything is a phase. Sure, when one phase is over a new one starts, but let’s not focus on that right now.
    • You’re the one who knows what is best for your child. You. You’re the parent. Tell everyone else to just back off.
  • It’s okay to ask for help.
    • Let me repeat: IT’S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP. This works on many levels. This works if you just had a baby, or a family member died, or if you’re just having a crappy day. It’s okay to ask for someone to help you. Chances are there’s someone like me just waiting for you to be like OMG TAKE THIS FROM ME. And I’ll be like, MMKAY WANT ICE CREAM ON THE SIDE? I remember being at a restaurant with my mom and my MIL and my screaming 1.5 year old. I just started crying because I was so emotionally drained and just couldn’t listen to my child cry anymore. They both stared at me like, why aren’t you asking us to help you? Why are you trying to do it all on your own? Just stop, ask for help.
  • It’s also okay to ACCEPT help.
    • That’s right. I don’t care what your parents taught you, it’s really okay to accept the help. I’ve watched people be offered help they need and be like, “No, it’s really okay. I don’t want to impose.” Like, girl take the free casserole this lady cooked you and shove it in your face. Oh you want to babysit my kid so I can take a shower? By all means. Keep him for a few hours, whatever man.
  • It’s absolutely okay to only have one or two really close friends.
    • I used to think that the more people I had close to me, the better. I would cry over friendships and wonder why people kept leaving me. I would constantly be asking someone to hang out and they wouldn’t be making the effort to do the same with me. And y’all, I’m so dang done with one-sided friendships. Sooooo done. And you don’t need a bunch of close friends. Put all your time and energy into the ones you want to be old people with and then just have a casual friendship with the rest. It’s okay to have a bunch of friends, but don’t rely on them to be with you through everything. Everyone can’t be everyone else’s BFF and that’s okay. Focus on the ones who are making an effort just as much as you are, they’re who you’re meant to be with.

Honestly… I could keep going here. For a long time. So, I think I shall make this a series. I don’t want to overwhelm you with all this precious knowledge I’m giving you. I need to give you some time to make notes and find a safe place to put them, preferably a fireproof safe.

And you know what? I even have advice from other people to share. I reached out to my millions (hundred-something) Facebook & Instagram followers and here’s what some had to say: (click on pics to enlarge)

So there you have it. You’re welcome. You just got life knowledge from a hot mess. So, that should be proof that you should listen to what I learned because maybe that’ll save you from being your own mess. Although, the point of this blog is to make it okay to be a mess…. okay, where was I going with this?

What else would you add?

xo
Tab

Posted in Book Club, messy month

My Messy Month [October 2017]

Hellooooooo….

It may or may not be 10 days into October. MY BAD. I’d like to be able to tell you that there will be a day when I post on time…but I prefer not to lie. Listen, I’m a busy lady, okay? I have things to do, like catch up on Halloween Baking Championship and Halloween Wars and shove Nutella covered pretzels in my mouth. Hmm? What?

Alright, here we go:

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Y’all, I love decorating for holidays and so did my mother. When she died, my siblings brought over all the holiday decoration boxes because they knew I’d fight for them. I’m sure when they get families and houses of their own someday I’ll have to share. But until then… FIGHT ME FOR THEM, GUYS. FIGHT ME.

Okay things got weird for a sec. Anyway… I DECORATED.

All the fabric pumpkins you see were made by my mama! I also let Kiddo contribute…

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*cough*

OH. And we added two new family members. Meet BOOford and BOOtrice. That’s right, I named them.

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So, there ya go! I’m adorable, I know. There’s also an inflatable Snoopy popping out of a pumpkin out in the yard and lit up spider webs in the windows, but I didn’t already have a pic of those on my phone and it’s 9:45pm and there’s bugs outside. So, use your imagination.

I’ve got some new things happening this month. First, I’m taking on the role of personal nanny for one of our goddaughters. I get to have her Monday – Friday during business hours and I’m so happy. My heart has been longing for a little girl, but my head is like EIGHTEEN TO LIFE, GIRL. EIGHTEEN TO LIFE. So this is the perfect compromise. I get to love on a little girl all day long and then give her back to her mama at 5pm. haha!

Also, I’ve been really beating the crap out of myself about all the weight I’ve gained this past year. 60 pounds. My clothes are tight where they used to fall off of me and my self-esteem is getting worse by the day. I’ve been able to stop the gain, but I haven’t done much about losing it. So, to work on my self-esteem, I’ve been really making an attempt at my make up! (the past 15 years has been me not wearing any, or slapping some eyeliner on and call it a day.) One of my goals this month is to actually organize my current hot mess of a makeup counter:

It hasn’t fixed the problem, but it’s helped it a bit. If nothing else, I’m having fun!

Oh also, I said that I was going to pick my “book club” back up in September and then I … didn’t. BUT I’m back at it. So, if you’re new here, know that “book club” is actually called “Messy Book Club”, which means that there really aren’t any rules. I’m just telling you my book pick of the month and you can join me, or not. There’s no test at the end. You could lie to me and told me you read it and I wouldn’t know any different. (you know, like high school)

So October’s pick: Murder on the Orient Express – Agatha Christie. It’s coming out as a movie next month and we all know the book is always better. So, join me in reading this so we can all go see the movie next month and make loud sighs at everything they got wrong. Sounds fun, right?

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Alright, I suppose that’s it. Stay tuned for my Halloween costume reveal at the end of the month! And let me know if you plan to read along with me. Again…. I won’t really check either way. #lazy

xo
Tab

Posted in Ramblings

The Longest Tunnel in the World

I wrote this for everyone that has been there… but mostly I wrote it for one person who I know will get an email notification that I posted a new blog and this is way too long to text and she’s sleeping like an old lady right now and she totally knows who she is because of the old lady part. ❤

The longest tunnel in the world is one that feels like there will never been an end to. You’re halfway through, but all you can see is a deep blackness. You start to forget how long you’ve been walking and you get this intense feeling of claustrophobia. You start to feel like the tunnel walls are closing in, you start to get dizzy, and you are able to convince yourself that the concrete surrounding you will start to crumble and collapse on top of you. There is no way out and you’re alone. It’s cold and it’s lonely and the tears won’t stop falling. Your clothes are soaked, the tears have become an ocean that you are trying to swim in, but the tide keeps pulling you under.

It’s so hard to see that there is a boat to rescue you and an end to that tunnel. It’s hard to see that the sun is shining and you take a look around and you notice that you were never really alone. You were being carried by your family, friends, and an amazing God who loves you.

And then you have that one annoying friend that won’t stop saying things like, “You’re so strong and brave.” and “I love you so much!” and “You’re going to make it through this.” And you’ll be like, “GAH JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.”, but she won’t and you’ll love her anyway, right? RIGHT? Because it’s all true. All of it.

Keep fighting. Keep living. Keep being you. And if being you from now on is being a mess, well then I’ll love you anyway. Although, I pray it’s not always a mess for your sake…but you know what I mean.  And also, let’s go to the beach on a day trip asap and hold hands while we put our feet in an ocean that isn’t trying to pull us under, deal?

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xo
Tab
like/share/comment/fund my trip to the beach

Posted in Ramblings

That Time I Went To A Hanson Concert

Well, turns out I haven’t posted a blog in two weeks. But everyone just calm down, okay? I had a friend visiting me from out of town and we were busy, mmkay? We were busy doing important adult-y things…. like eating ice cream, watching movies, playing with makeup, and going to a concert.

Hmm? oh, you want to know what concert? Well, hold on. Let me explain. It went something like this:

*dreamy flashback music*

Me: Oh my gahhh, Hanson is going on an anniversary tour.
Katie: What?
Me: Hanson seems to want to play MMBop on a stage in Austin.
Katie: HAHAHA
Me: OMG We should go, it’ll be so hilarious and fun!
Katie: YES!

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So, the tickets said doors open at 7, show starts at 8. And of course we’re super cool, so we arrive around 7:45 because we didn’t want to seem to eager to MMMBop in public. The line is wrapped around the building to get in. WRAPPED. AROUND. THE. BUILDING. It is 7:45pm on a Wednesday night in Austin, Texas. Surely there is something more exciting to do? SURELY. But clearly not, because everyone in the great state of Texas seems to be at this Hanson show. It is an all ages show and there are defiantly ALL ages in attendance.

So the show starts and they are singing songs I’ve never even a little bit heard and Katie and I look at each other with sheer confusion as everyone around us not only knows these songs, but are like live streaming, snapchatting, whatever else the kids do these days. So naturally, I get on my phone and type in something along the lines of “WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW AT THIS HANSON CONCERT?” And Google spits back a response that was something like, “Taylor Hanson alone is worth $20 million.” and “Hanson’s sixth record sold…”

SIX? SIX RECORDS? THIS DIDN’T STOP AT MMMBOP? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

So upon reading that, Katie and I immediately said, “We definitely do not belong here.” And we uncomfortably stood behind a very ecstatic 50+ year old woman who was gyrating to every song while we waited for them to play the song we came to hear. After TWENTY SONGS they finally “be dippy dop ba doo wop”ed and we got the heck out of there and went to Voodoo Donuts and shoved our faces.

But I mean… not before I bought a shirt…

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WHAT? I swear I had this exact shirt back in the ’90s and I got excited.

So anyways, that’s how I learned that the Hanson brothers have more money than I will ever see in my life and that’s totally fine. toooootally fine.

Anyone else gotten stuck at a concert they didn’t belong at?

Side note – I’ve also gone to a Nelly concert.

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Anyone want an obnoxious husband?

It’s past midnight and I’m not tired like I should be, so I’m reading. My husband is apparently wide awake and full of shenanigans. So basically I’m writing this post so that everyone can see what I have to deal with.

Buckle in, folks.

1. He keeps licking his finger and putting it on my arm and cracking up

2. He keeps giving me the finger and waving it wildly in the air.

3. He keeps telling me to “shhh” while I mind my own business and read quietly.

4. But most of all, he keeps doing this:

Save me.

Posted in recovery

Stay [World Suicide Prevention Day 2017]

Y’all, I have been so anxious for today to come! It’s World Suicide Prevention Day, did you know that? Yeah, I didn’t either until this year. Gah, another thing I wish was more public when I was younger. Ah well, I’m just focusing on making it my mission from here on out to really be open with my story and make sure more people know they aren’t alone. YOU AREN’T ALONE. 

So if you’re a regular reader, you know my suicide story. If you’re not, well then you should be and here’s a link. ❤

If I would have been successful at my attempts, I would have missed out on so much. So much good, so much funny, so much sad, so much hurt, so much pain, so much love, so much life. But because I failed, I know that I was put on this earth for so much more.

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You see, I struggled (and 100% honestly STILL struggle) with feeling like there was something more for my life. Back then, I thought there was going to be nothing for me other than the heartache of life I was living every single day. I just figured this is my lot in life and I was always going to be miserable, so why stay? Why stick around and live? What’s the point? I know what it’s like to feel like there’s nothing more. I know what it’s like to feel like giving up and just letting everything go. I know.

My current struggles include me feeling like I’m failing at everything. I feel like I’m failing at being a wife, being a mom, being a friend. I feel like everyone would be better without me and that if I would just go, I would stop burdening everyone around me. When I went into ED Recovery, I needed a lot of help from friends and siblings to watch Kiddo while I got help 3 days a week and couldn’t really afford childcare. Then I would spend those 3 days feeling like the people helping me actually hated me for asking them to do this. I felt like such a burden and I just hated that feeling so much. I cried about it a lot. I feel like I’m a burden to be married to. I feel like my poor husband doesn’t deserve to have to deal with a mentally unstable wife. I feel like Kiddo doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this crazy mommy he has… I just feel like I’m too much for everyone.

But deep down I know that there’s more. There’s more out there and if I don’t stick around to see… I’m going to miss so much. I’ll miss anniversaries, which are on New Year’s Eve. I’ll miss sitting with my husband under fireworks remembering that we found each other in the midst of what felt like my world was ending. I’ll miss seeing Kiddo be who he’s going to become (which apparently is going to be a trash man, I’m told). I’ll miss embarrassing him as he brings dates home, I’ll miss getting to be a grandma (hopefully), I’ll miss the good days and the bad days, I’ll miss the sick days and the healthy days… I’ll miss it all. I don’t want to miss those days. I know that. It doesn’t always feel like that, but I know it’s true. My depressed mind is a liar and so is yours. 

Stay. 

Stay and find out what you’re here for. Find out what you were made to do. Just please stay.

[insert weird picture of my arm]

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xo
Tab

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

Posted in messy month

Messy Month [September +Vacation Edition]

So… I may have forgotten to do a Messy Month for September! Oops! Oh well, we’re still in single digits for the month, so it’s fine… right? I think so.

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SO HEY! We’ve already been super busy this month in the form of VACATION! Hubs and I didn’t really get a honeymoon and we’ve never been on a vacation otherwise (other than a trip to the beach a few hours away), so this was so exciting for us! We spent five days at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida! It was all pretty awesome, but let’s be honest… I only went for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Which was amazing, by the way. Duh. Kiddo and I had matching socks for the days we were there because we’re adorable.

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Vacay Recap in 3…2…1… GO!

  • Got to Florida at midnight because I’m an idiot and didn’t pay attention to the time of the flights and we had a fun filled day with a GRUMPY 4 year old. YAY!
  • First day at Universal Studios
    • Breakfast at the hotel restaurant
    • Lunch at Leaky Cauldron
    • Dinner at Pat O’Brien’s.
    • Rode a billion rides.
      • Jimmy Fallon’s Race Through New York City (Kiddo’s Favorite)
      • Minion Ride
      • Transformers
      • Spiderman
      • Whatever the name of the Harry Potter ones were
      • … I’ve already forgotten all the rides. GREAT.
    • Did the Hogsmead /Hogwarts side of HP.
    • Swam at hotel
  • Second day at Universal Studios
    • Breakfast at Three Broomsticks
    • Lunch at Moe’s Southwest Grill
    • Dinner at Toothsome Chocolate Factory (OMG!!! THIS PLACE!!!)
    • Re-rode all the rides we loved from day one.
    • Did Diagon Alley side of HP (my favorite side)
    • Almost died of exhaustion, no big deal
  • Third day at Universal
    • Spent two hours at park and gave up because feet were on fire.
    • Ate lunch at Epic McDonald’s in Orlando. It was ridiculous.
    • Went to hotel and took a 3 hour nap.
    • Medieval Times! (One of my dreams come true!!!)
  • Got to airport at 3am on Friday morning for a 6am flight because of the chaos of people evacuating for Hurricane Irma. Not as much of a nightmare at the airport as we expected, yay!
  • Got home safely, took another extremely long nap.

It was fantastic! I also read two books while on our trip:

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I’d recommend both, however I was able to guess the big twist on both. But that’s totally okay with me because I enjoyed them regardless!

And these are the books that are up next:

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Has anyone read these?

Also, Kiddo got to skip the first week of his preschool to go on vacation, so he finally FINALLY starts school this Monday and I. Am. Thrilled. THRIIIIILLLLEED. He’s pretty thrilled too, let’s be honest, we’re both sick of each other it seems. This will be his first time going five days a week though and I’m a little nervous. Not because I think I’ll be sitting around all day crying because I miss him, but because we’ve had behavioral issues at school before and so I’m nervous to see what five days a week does. I bet it’ll be good though.

We also finally have an appointment with a behavioral specialist for him at the end of the month. I have been waiting so long and anxiously for this. Pray all goes well and we finally get some much needed answers and help!

Hmmm… what else? Oh! My friend Katie comes to visit for two weeks and we’re going to see Hanson in concert and don’t you for one minute judge us, thanks. I’m way too excited about it!! haha. … But also like…what does one wear to a Hanson concert? Anyone know?

Now on to the bigger, most important question… which candy should I eat next?

Fizzing Wizzbees (omg my favorite), Chocolate Frog, Love Potion, or Every Flavor Beans… which I bought more to torture my child with. #parentoftheyear

Have a great September, y’all! Tell me if you have anything exciting going on.

*eats all the candy despite just asking your opinion*

xo
Tab

like/share/comment/subscribe/send me more candy

Posted in recovery, Worthy Workouts

The One Where I Make Everyone Uncomfortable

I’m writing this as I hide in a bathroom stall at the gym. Not actually using the restroom, don’t make this weird, but just….hiding?

I do that a lot, hide. It’s like if I’m hiding in the bathroom, then I’m untouchable. You can’t interrupt me because I’m possibly using the restroom, thus making me free to do whatever I want, unbothered.

If you have met me, you know that I’m loud and obnoxious. I talk to strangers in line because I’m bored and I tend to make friends wherever I go. But the only way I can survive that part of my personality is to have a place to runaway to. A place where I can take deep breaths and space out for a little while. I need to be able to just ….be. Not in a way where I relax while getting a pedicure or a massage, no that’s not it at all. I need to be alone in bed, or in a bathroom, or my car parked in a grocery store parking lot and I need to just be able to sit there and just be. I need to take that time to convince myself that it’s time to go back out into the world and be a person again. That I can’t waste my life away hiding, but that it’s okay to hide for just a little while.

My ability to mentally check out of life so easy became a big topic of discussion at my ED recovery. That’s what I do when I binge, I check out. A lot of the time I truly don’t even realize what I’m doing until it’s already been done. Those kind of binges come late at night and they usually come after I’ve had to be a person too much that day. I didn’t have time during the day to hide in a bathroom and just be, so by the time the chance comes to do so, my mind already checked out without me and I’m doing things that damage me.

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this. I was just on the treadmill doing my thaaang and got this overwhelming need to just go shut myself in a bathroom stall. So here I am.

XO

Tab

Posted in recovery

1-800-273-8255

I just… I’m in tears tonight. 10:44pm on a Tuesday night. I’m crying so hard.

The Reason.

I’m aware that I’m 31 and probably way too old to be watching the MTV VMAs, but it’s a little guilty pleasure of mine as I sit on my couch and shake my metaphorical cane at the young children on stage making more money than I will ever see in my life. Also, I’m watching it two days late, which just means I’m an adult who has better things to do. (or my husband was watching GoT.)

Anyways, I’m crying because a song I have come to love very recently is being performed on stage, for millions to watch. It’s not only being performed, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is being displayed and there are so many people standing on the stage. The people on the stage are suicide survivors. SURVIVORS.

This is so amazing and powerful to me. And honestly… I’m jealous. I’m so jealous that kids these days were exposed to that because I wish I had been. Thankfully I am a survivor, but man how fantastic that would have been. I wish there was a way to know how many lives that one single performance changed on Sunday night.

I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now

If you’re new here: My story.

I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die

So powerful.

World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10th. Did you know that? Did you know there was a whole day? Even better? There’s a whole week. I’ll be making a post about that next month, but if you want to share the word – here’s a way that I’m taking part in and would love if you did too!

You are not alone. Stay.

Reach out. Tell someone. Tell your neighbor. Tell a stranger. Tell me.

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

Side note – They’re bringing back TRL in October… so that’s a thing now.

xo
Tab